Planet AJ | Part 1

On this trip to Planet AJ, we step into the universe of a dancer whose stage presence is pure fantasy and whose real life is so much deeper than the glitter.

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Can you see? Oh, three, four. Three, two. Welcome to More Than Glitter, Voices Unheard, a podcast where the stories shimmer brighter than the stage lights. I'm your host, Mariah Edwards, and I invite you to join me on a journey into the lives of those whose voices are as captivating as their performances. Here in R Safe Space, we go beyond the glitter and glam. We sit down with dancers from all walks of life, uncovering the stories behind the sparkle. This isn't just a show about strippers, it's about the person beneath the persona. Today we sit down with AJ, also known as Planet AJ TV, on social media. Hi. Oh, this is going to be interesting. Let's jump right in. How did you get into dancing?

SPEAKER_01 1:01

I got into dancing. One of my best friends from high school, she started working at a club in Minneapolis, but she was like stingy. She would not tell me what club. She wouldn't tell me how to get in. She wouldn't get me hired at all. Yeah, literally. She was jet like we she was always in competition with me. So it was just like that. So I found when another friend I saw, she posted, and I was like, oh, what club do you work at? You know, bada bing, bada boom, open with gracious arms. But I literally got into it because I loved being center of attention and partying and like the glitch and the glam, and just being like it felt so freeing to me. So I think I was I benefited from that because I didn't have like a real reason to. I just wanted to have fun and make money.

SPEAKER_03 2:02

How old were you when you started dancing?

SPEAKER_01 2:05

18. I did 18 for a couple months in Minneapolis, and then I moved out to Cali, danced at this club out there, and it was terrifying to me. I had never worked at like a fully nude, full touching type of club. So I lasted half a night at that club, and then I never danced again for like three years until I was in Vegas.

SPEAKER_03 2:31

Why did you move to California?

SPEAKER_01 2:34

I moved to California with the best friend that was dancing at the time. She was like, You want to move? And I was like, Let's do it, let's just go start a new life. I always had the inkling when I was young to want to move, to travel, to go do something, to be outside of Minnesota. I always, from a young girl, I remember saying that, and like my family always be like, No, you don't want to do that. And I remember being like, so being like, no, I want to move. I don't want to live in Minnesota. So the minute I had that chance and that freedom, I was out of here.

SPEAKER_03 3:10

So from California, you moved to Vegas.

SPEAKER_01 3:14

Yeah, Vegas.

SPEAKER_03 3:15

How old were you when you moved to Vegas?

SPEAKER_01 3:18

I was, let's see, I think I just turned 21, or maybe maybe have turned 21 when I was there. But when I was there, I worked as a cocktail server on the strip at Planet Hollywood. And it was so much fun. Like, talk about glitz and glam and running around. Like my whole family at that time. I had done like a little bit of dancing at that time, so they never really knew about it. But the moment that I moved to Vegas, that's when they I was doing innocent work as a cocktail server. And they all thought, oh, she's an escort, she's doing this, she's doing that. So then I was like, well, if they already think that, and I've danced a little bit, why not? You know, like, yeah, you can't, you know. And from there, danced for a little bit in Vegas, and then I worked at the rhino down in Minneapolis when it first opened up with like the best group of girls I think anybody could have asked for at that time. Like, I think all the girls, the all the main girls at that time would say like they've never really experienced a club like that. The closeness, the money, the like sisterhood that we all had was insane. It was like a true, like loving family, a little bit, a little toxicity here and there, you know, when people got a little fancy, yeah, you know, but it was so good. It was so fun for years. I would say like a good six years. It was five, six years for me, it was like fun.

SPEAKER_03 5:05

Well, that's how we met because I decided to come out here for the Super Bowl and work at Spirit Rhino. And I loved it. I thought the money was amazing out here at that time. The girls were you guys were just super inviting and working at like bigger clubs out of state. I feel like you don't get that. It's more like competition, standoffish. You'll meet your like your people, but majority of the time it's very separate. And then I start hanging out with you, and you're annoying.

SPEAKER_01 5:54

So if I saw myself now when I was now, I'm like sober and I see myself, I would be like, shut this girl up. Oh my god. Like, she's living it. I was, you couldn't tell me nothing. I was having fun regardless. I was, it was like I was in my own world.

SPEAKER_03 6:20

Your own world for sure. Planet AJ. The group of girls that we had going for a little bit was like that, that was our our group. Yeah. And then things happened, and we stayed together. Solid. Yeah, the two people. We were the least in the beginning, we were the least ones to be. I would have never thought, I would have never thought that.

SPEAKER_01 6:54

We were very, very, very different in our life. We still are very different. Very, yeah. Very different.

SPEAKER_03 7:02

But my love for you is endless. That's a fact. I feel the same way. Don't start crying already. I know.

SPEAKER_02 7:10

I'm like, stop, we drink some water.

SPEAKER_03 7:13

So I came to that club about two years after it opened and met you. Mm-hmm. Is that right?

SPEAKER_01 7:21

Yeah. So I think it was like two years, two, yeah, two years, two and a half years, something like that. I was so that I couldn't even tell you. From what I remember, you were there from the start.

SPEAKER_03 7:34

So do you want to tell the listeners how we first met?

SPEAKER_01 7:40

Oh, yeah. Okay, my first, first one or the room one. You can say both, whatever. Okay, so the first one. I don't think we really talked too much yet. I don't remember if this was before or after, but I remember the first day you came walking in, you had your blonde hair curly, you had your uh sweatsuit on, but it was like you on it, and like you just looked so pretty and so cute and so clean. And I was like, oh my god, she's an angel. Like, I literally saw you walk in. I was like, it's a walking angel. And then you kind of just like because I'm me, I'm like, hey, hello. And she was like, Can you like okay? I'm like, okay, whatever. Later on, we get put into I don't know if it's months later, days later, weeks later, but we get put into the same room, and I am on top of the couch, and I'm got crazy. And she goes, You know, they just like you because you're wild and crazy, right? And I was like, Woo, but I did not mean it in a bad way, but it's so weird that it came like mid-room, like both like on the couch as I was standing up, and you like pulled in and like said it, and I was like, Okay, it's so mean, such a weird, awkward, like it was so funny, but I took it both ways. I was like, What is she saying? And I was like, Well, I am wild and fun and crazy, so like that is why I get the rooms. Like, you needed a girl to start up a room and get that shit popping. Call Mia, call me a that was my name back then, but yeah, it was a time. Oh, and then I remember what was it? It was when I my hair was like kind of blonde at the time, but then I went like white blonde, and you came up, you're like, ooh, I knew I liked you, and I was like, Oh, that's all it took to get her to come up to me.

SPEAKER_00 9:58

Just go blonde.

SPEAKER_01 9:59

No, just go blonde, and it's over. So funny, those were such fun times.

SPEAKER_03 10:09

Do you want to talk about sobriety and living a healthier life?

SPEAKER_01 10:13

Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_03 10:15

When did you start dabbling with drugs and alcohol?

SPEAKER_01 10:18

I think I started, I started young, 13, started drinking, smoking weed, 14, 15, uh, 15, started doing some like muscle relaxers, you know, and then went on to like psychedelics a little bit, did cocaine for the first time at 18. I think a lot of that part stemmed from my childhood. From I was so confused on who I was, on like who I should be, what I should do, how I was raised was in a very strict, very loving home, but like manipulative, narcissistic, god complex, you know, just a lot of traits that I feel like they got inherited down, you know. And it caused a lot of wonder in my head of who I was because things that I liked, they would tell me, that's not who you are. You don't like that, you don't, whatever. So I'm thinking I'm a bad person, I'm this, I'm that. So I'm finding comfort and safety into anything. And during that time when I started like really getting like 15, when I really started drinking and getting into drugs, was at that time I had uh gymnastics back injury, which caused me to having to stop gymnastics completely. So at that point, I fell into like that type of crowd because they're they are like, oh, you're so cool, you're awesome. All the things that I am that make me me to this day, it's like, but they were using it for their benefit in like the wrong ways. So started going through there, and then when I was I just like partied all the time. I'm talking every single day. It was a lot. When I got to like 18, 19, I started using meth, hanging out with this one girl that I was dancing with, and that was about like a month and a half spree of it until I remember I like I was overdosing. I know I was. Everybody left me that I was hanging out with. Oh, you're faking it, you're being exaggerated. Like I was shaking my my, I remember my temperature, I couldn't take it, but I was so hot that I remember having to roll out of the bed and like army crawl myself into the bathtub and like put it on freezing cold temperatures and like throw myself in there. And then this was for hours I was in the bathtub because they came back and they're like, Oh, you're still on this shit. You're so like attention seeking, basically, at that point. And once I calmed that down, I remember I somehow remember my mom's work phone number, and I called her to come pick me up, and she found me like walking on like the side of the road. And you remember those like little Sophie shorts that are like super thin? I'm like walking in like basically nothing in like a sports bra, soaking wet, probably 110 pounds at the time. And went to treatment. Of course, it was a treatment that my um very religious father chose. So it was just straight book, Bible assignments, scriptures, which was like, I think for a lot of people, it can be good in this sense because they find, you know, a new power, something to go to, you know. I see a lot in the same ways as religion, as like people do meditations and other spiritual aspects. So I can see a lot of like same things in there, but for me, it was like, okay, that's still not me. Like I was still so confused, and at that point, that's when I got out of treatment. My best friend Sammy, who was we call a square, she hates when I call her that, but she's just a super.

SPEAKER_03 14:27

Can you explain what a square is to the square listener?

SPEAKER_01 14:31

A square is somebody who has no concept of the reality that we live as, like entertainers, sex workers, in this industry, nightlife workers. They don't understand how it works. They think that you do the most for everything. They, you know, they just expect their mind, isn't it? There's no median, it's the extreme. Like it's only the extreme, and that's the only thing it can be, where I have to explain to her and teach her, and she's like, Oh, that's actually really cool. And I'm like, Yeah, you see, it's like it's really cool, it's really fun. I talked my mom into moving me to Vegas with Sammy, and that was a really good thing for me at the time, but then I started drinking really heavily. I switched from light liquor to Jameson and Hennessy, got a very bad DUI where I went to jail. I literally didn't know if I was getting out or not.

SPEAKER_03 15:36

Can you explain more about how you got your DUI?

SPEAKER_01 15:40

So during that time, I worked with her name was China. So such a beautiful girl, so perfect, like a China doll. So beautiful. But she loved to drink Hennessy and Jameson. So me and her, two peas in a pod, running around. I told Sammy one night to come meet us at the spot that we always used to hang out in downtown Las Vegas. I don't remember Sammy showing up. Sammy said that she gave me water and I was like, This is so strong, and like gave it back to her. And Sammy was just like, I gotta go, this isn't my scene, which it definitely was not her scene. It was rowdy, it was wild. And she's like, I gotta go. I don't remember any of that. She asked me if I was a fine, if I was fine, but when I tell you I am was the blackout queen, I would talk to you just like this, completely like this. Like you would have, I have no idea that I was blacked out, but I was completely blacked out. I don't remember getting in my car. I remember seeing bright lights and then going through a stoplight and then getting out of my car and then remembering I had drugs in in my side compartment. I just I remember seeing bright lights. Remember I had drugs in my thing. Um, it was cocaine. Pulled it out, and I remember just tossing it. Like, so I was like, Oh, I'm fucked. Like that was literally the recollection. I was like, I'm fucked. Cops came. I was like, listen, I'm drunk. But it was funny because the cop came back and he had a bottle of pills that he pulled out, and he was like, Are these yours? And I was like, No, I don't take any medication like that. Like, and he basically was pressuring me and he's like, Well, what if I said it was yours? And I was like, Well, I told you it's not mine, and then he put them back in his pocket, so I was just like so confused, and nobody around me at the time took pills, like nobody, it was so weird. We're going to jail. So they never found the cocaine? Nope, never found the cocaine. That was that was some spirit overhead, like, girl, you got a DUI, that's bad enough. Remember, you have drugs in the side of your compartment. But I remember being in jail, got out. Okay, but but in jail when you in Vegas, when you're in the holding cell, and then you go to actually being put in your cell, it is hot in Vegas, and it's like a mile walk. So you're holding all your toiletries and you're walking single file line out in the hot Vegas sun for like a mile to where you need to go stay. And I'm just sitting there and I'm just like, don't cry, don't cry, don't be a bitch. Like, I'm telling I was this big at the time, white, blonde, huge curly hair, like no tattoos, nothing. So innocent, so like dee dee. Yeah, it was really scary. And then I got out, I called the lady, the impounder my car was, and I was like, Am I able to drive my car? The lady laughed, cackled, cackled. She said, Sweetie, your car is on bricks. Like, there's no wheels on my car, the whole roof was caved in. I must have rolled in the rocks and made it back. Oh, wait. So you actually got in a car accident. I got into a car accident, like a bad one. Because I remember seeing bright lights, and I thought I only hit like the median and the side, because in Vegas, it's like all rocks and the medians, and it's steep before you get onto the I almost was onto the highway. So whatever stopped me and did all that saved my life and many other people's lives that night. Because if I would have gotten onto the highway, it would have been a done deal. So I looked at my car.

SPEAKER_03 19:51

I thought you ran a red light and then somehow got pulled over. So you were actually in an actual accident, got it.

SPEAKER_01 19:58

Yeah. And when I got to the jail, when you know they do your tuberculosis shot and all that other weird stuff. The nurse was actually very upset that the cops didn't take me to the hospital because I was all cut up. I had blisters on me from like the airbag going off. I was, I'm literally was like, I'm I never said I'm never drinking again. That's one thing I never told. I never was like, I'm never drinking again. Because I just knew it was a lie. I was like, I will never drink and drive again. And to this day, I will honestly say no. Like, there's no drinking and driving. I it's not worth it. It's not worth anybody else's life. It's not worth Ubers and stuff. It's too convenient for Ubers and Lyft nowadays. For to even think about drinking and driving. I don't care if you get a ticket on your car or you know it gets towed. That is so much better than jail time or hurting somebody else. Or yourself, yeah, or yourself. But the main thing is don't take somebody else out with you. That is so unfair. That's so unfair. And my situation happened the best way possible. Like I needed that. And at that point, that's when Rhino was opening up. I was also in a relationship at that time where it was good for me, but it was bad for him. I knew I could walk all over him, used him for everything. It was very like, I'm gonna have you do what I want because I've been hurt in the past. So I was like, ooh, I gotta finally do it. Yeah, and that was during that whole time when the DUI and everything, I had such an eye opener. I was like, I don't want to live my life like that. I wanna be happy, I want to spread happiness, you know, and then moved to Minnesota and met that group of girls from Rhino, and it was love for a while, toxic love, but it was definitely a Love I had. It was definitely my safety blanket.

SPEAKER_03 22:04

So when I met you, it was about three years after you got a DUI. Mm-hmm. Wow, it's crazy. I never even knew that.

SPEAKER_01 22:13

Yeah, I was still dealing with it in Minnesota because I had to go back for court, and that was also part of my lesson because I was broke at the time going there because I wasn't gonna ask for help for anybody because that was my responsibility. But they kept moving my court date every single time, and I was just like, yo, I can't do it again. Like, so I'm pretty sure everything's handled. You get a call.

SPEAKER_00 22:42

I just can't get arrested in Vegas because if it's not settled, then I got 90 days automatically in there. Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_01 22:52

I can't handle you. No, but it's it's handled. I know it is. You're not about to do anything.

SPEAKER_00 23:05

I just don't go to Vegas.

SPEAKER_02 23:07

Yeah. Is that why you missed my birthday?

SPEAKER_01 23:12

I was like, somebody's gonna get us arrested, and I just can't be a part of it. I know I was just thinking how this last year's been my most sober year since I've been 13. And I was like, wow, girl, you've been going strong. Never say you can't commit to something.

SPEAKER_03 23:28

When did you decide to get sober in the club?

SPEAKER_01 23:31

I decided to get more sober in the club, honestly, because for one, I was so tired of being sick. I would get so violently sick the next day after drinking every single time because I'm I was putting down like a bottle of vodka, plus like I couldn't even tell you how much powder up the nose I would do because there was an unlimited supply around me. So it was unlimited. So it was a free-for-all. That's why it was such a safety blanket for me because I knew I'd go in there, make money, get messed up, and then I got so tired of that. And I wanted to start working out again and being healthy because that was something I remembered I loved doing when I was younger. I loved being like into myself, like gymnastics was a huge part of it, and I loved being athletic looking, being able to do handstands and cartwheels and you know, jump around and move around. And I was to the point where I was not liking what I was seeing inside the mirror. My face was just like so puffing and swollen and just looking old. It took that, and then I also, for the majority of my years dancing at Rhino, I was dating somebody who would see me sick and see me like that, and they would do nothing about it besides, you know, they give me some PD, they'd help me out. Give me PDL. What do you need to feel better? Let me get you somebody to feel better. It was never I'm worried about you. Hey, this is hurting you, this is killing you. The way I'd be violently throwing up to the point where it was like blood. You know, it was so sad and so scary, and I got tired of it. And for me as a person, I need facts to know something. When I say no facts about something, my mind is made up. And I started listening to audiobooks about like the truth about alcohol and what it does to your mind, your body, what it does to people who are drinking it. You know, once I started going into there, I will had so many aha moments. Now going to a bar and looking at around a bunch of drunk people, I'm like, wow, everyone's kind of sad and they're masking themselves or trying to ease themselves to make them feel better, cooler, sexier, slicker, have more money, more confident, you know, it's a huge crutch. And then I realized after all these years, I've been using it as a crutch because oh, they like me when I'm like this. Oh, they like me like this. Oh, I can, I'm wild and crazy. But once I started the fun one, and it's like I'm still the fun one, I'm still the funny one, I'm still the wild and crazy one. But I've had to, it's it's been a hard time. Like, there's been a lot of anxiety attacks at work, not showing up for work because of being scared of like having that crutch now that now that I'm I'm fine going into a club now and being sober. But when it was the first part of it, like it was really hard because it's like, I know if I just had a drink, I would loosen up a little bit and be whatever. But it's like, no, like once I started lessening my drinking and realizing I was still getting the same amount of money, if not more money, honestly, more money at that time because you're more coherent. I can control my mouth, I can control my situation, I know what's going on. Before it was sure, whatever. Who knows if I was missing out on money, or you know, I could have gotten robbed a couple times, or you know, who knows? But who knows? It's just so much more freeing, and you once you start seeing it more as like it is fun, you get to talk to people, but when you see more as a job, and seeing mentally as a job, getting in there, getting your money, getting out, and you know, still finding that happy medium of entertainment. I think that's just it's so good feeling, it's so freeing feeling. Waking up and not being hungover is so nice.

SPEAKER_03 27:49

Proud of you that you woke up one day and said, I've had enough and I'm changing my life around.

SPEAKER_01 27:55

Like I it's taken so many years, like I said, but you need to remove the toxicity from your life to be able to do the positive. I don't think I would have been able to stay sober if I would have been in that relationship with that guy. There's just no way he was draining me in every aspect of my life. Getting out that toxicity and learning to be comfortable with yourself and starting to like love yourself. It's almost just like an indescribable type of feeling. It feels like the craziest, fresh a breath air. Like you can finally breathe. I'm really proud of you.

SPEAKER_03 28:31

Just know that. The reason why we butthead so much in the beginning was because of your partying aspect, your drugs and alcohol. You were a lot.

SPEAKER_01 28:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 28:47

Yeah. And it frustrated me because I knew you didn't have to be that way. Your life could be sober and you would still have fun and you would flourish.

SPEAKER_01 28:59

Yeah, I think being your friend and like you seeing that, and like kind of you pushed me a little bit and instilled it because I'll honestly say, like, nobody ever around me has ever been like, yo, what are you doing? And you were the first person ever to really check me in the aspect of like who I was, because when we would hang out outside the club during those times, I would be sober.

SPEAKER_03 29:26

And you'd be like, and you'd be like, This is the person I love. Yeah. This is the Mia.

SPEAKER_02 29:33

Because at the time, that's what you were.

SPEAKER_03 29:35

Yeah. This is the AJ I love. This is the person that I've seen and I know and I have love for, and it's just very, very special. But then we'd go to work, and that was the person I did not. You you weren't literally a monster, like you're a nicest human being, but uh you were a monster to me because the alcohol and the drugs were taking over you. You would come up to me and literally be like, Oh, and like, what are you talking about? Go away.

SPEAKER_02 30:08

Like, I can't even understand you.

SPEAKER_03 30:12

So for a good chunk, you would just stay away from me all night long. Like you wouldn't even you would see me coming and you would run the other way.

SPEAKER_01 30:20

Yeah, I definitely when I was being really bad, I would be like little mom. Yeah, because I because I knew that you knew that I but we both knew that I shouldn't be doing that. But it was I correlated because at that time when I got to Rhino, we were it was so much money flowing, but the party was flowing at the same time that I correlated the two that if I'm like this, I'm making money. And that was a big thing that I had to like rip the band-aid off to realize like no, they liked you because of yeah, what who you are, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 31:04

You definitely have addictive personality, like how you it's not a bad thing, but you just you have an addictive personality, so with addicts, you're going to find another thing to be addicted to. And luckily you found the gym, which I think is an amazing thing. Sometimes I'm like, whoa girl, you're intense.

SPEAKER_01 31:30

I know on others, I don't think I'm intense enough, and that's like and that's yeah, that's your addictive personality coming through.

SPEAKER_03 31:37

Because I'm I'm really proud of you. You've worked really, really hard and your body's changing, and like you you have a badass body. Then you tell, then you're like, Oh, I didn't work out for a day. I can't believe it. And I'm like, what? I haven't worked out for like a month.

SPEAKER_01 31:55

Like, oh I'm like, but that's fine, friend. You're allowed to have rest periods. Me?

SPEAKER_03 32:00

No.

unknown 32:01

No.

SPEAKER_03 32:02

I believe you fell into drugs and alcohol because of the fact that you never felt at home with your family and those around you.

SPEAKER_01 32:10

Definitely overcompensating. I when I was drinking, how I can be now with people and just like chatty and like jokey just with like strangers on the street. That's how I felt that I needed alcohol to be. I was like, I need that just to even look people in the eye. Like, it's hard when you know, I've expressed to my cousin just recently about, you know, some moments and like realizations that I've had from growing up that have made me into the person that I am for years being so insecure, looking in the mirror, not liking myself. I remember the first day I gave myself an eating disorder. I was like 12 years old. And from that point, you know, I had, you know, to a point when I was in middle school, high school, you could see all the bones everywhere. I had teachers asking me if I was okay. And then my mother was sitting there, like, oh, look at I can see your hip bones. And it's like, um, hello. I had full-length mirrors in there in my bedroom and just sat in the mirror all night long, like doing abs, like looking at my and it was, it just stemmed from being like, maybe if I'm like this, they'll like me. Maybe if I'm like that, they'll like me because who I was obviously wasn't good enough. But I think one thing my family always told me growing up is you've always been in your own world. Like you're always, and I was like, Yeah, I'm done, I'm protecting myself. But in the scheme of things, it's now that I'm older and have realized this, I'm like, there is something special about me. And it sounds like I think there's something special about everybody for sure, and they should feel like that. But I just feel like I'm meant to be all the things that they try to hinder me from, that they try to pull the wool over my eyes and hush hush about. And I mean, all the way down to my tattoos. I like tattoos when I was younger, and it was like, oh, that is the devil, and you know, so it's like they think I'm sticking it to them, but it's like, no, I'm just letting my true self unfold and expressing who you are, yeah, and it's beautiful. And I hope and wish that everybody can get to that point that they're able to, you know, had someone just tell me it's not about reinventing it yourself, it's about letting yourself unfold. And that that's literally like I said it just now, like it's been stuck in my mind, you know, all the doubts and fears you have. Maybe those are your good qualities, maybe those are their aspects that are actually good about you that you're supposed to shine in. When you finally get an aha moment about your upbringing, now I'm not saying my upbringing was so bad. Oh my gosh. Like, no, I think generally speaking, it was difficult. It was mentally, it was mentally and emotionally just draining. Just a particularly emotionally abusive, in my opinion. Yeah, so I spent so many years, even when I was here in Arizona when I first got here, crying, being in bed crying and crying, thinking about my mom and we're pretty my mom, and she, you know, come like she has this dementia and she always has these illnesses, and I just want her to be how she used to be. And then I had the moment that I was like, my mom kind of was my biggest hater growing up, and she doesn't even know it because she's a narcissist. Once I came to terms, I was like, she's a narcissist. Like I will started listening this audiobook, You're not crazy, it's your mother. And it goes in from, yeah, we were besties until like the age nine when I started having my own thoughts, wanting my own things. Why can't you just be my good little girl? Why can't you go give them a hug? Hers is what's the persona on the outside? And that's when it clicked. That's why I care about so much about other people's perception. And that's why I was drinking to loosen up to be this person, because she's made me into that person. She has always been intimidated and scared of my power that I have with people. She tore down with probably not even knowing that she's doing it. When I found out also about narcissists, about always having like basically being sick and going to the doctors and everything like that. That's like one form of it. I stopped crying for her, like instantly. Like my feel badness for her. I don't know if that's even the word, but it it just stopped. I was like, she wants me to be like this. She wants me to sit and cry over her. She wants me, mom, but you're the best. Mom, no, no, mom, no. What about me? What about me? She would talk bad about people to about us to them, and it wouldn't make sense to my brother and I. Because we'd have all these other people around us that'd be like, oh my gosh, we love you. You're so awesome. We love you for you. And it's like, damn, your own mother can't even do that. But now that I have that weight off, I'm like, I don't want your approval. Like, if I get your approval, that means I'm doing something wrong. They ask you today and text you this, and I was, but I was like, a narcissist would never ask if they're a narcissist because I was gonna ask you if I have narcissistic tendencies.

SPEAKER_03 37:50

We all have narcissistic tendencies that just makes humans human, you know.

SPEAKER_01 37:57

They just took it in regularly, just went full force. And like, damn. This isn't Pokemon, you don't gotta collect everything. Fuck.

SPEAKER_03 38:12

I feel like in today's day and age, we only talk about daddy issues, but we never really talk about mommy issues as a society, and I almost believe that it's worse.

SPEAKER_01 38:24

No, it is because I for years I've only thought I've had daddy issues. This I'm talking for basically my whole life because she's also, you know, twisted, manipulated that whole situation too. He's also a horrible person. Yeah, then come on my mommy issues, and I'm like, that's why I don't like myself. Like, that's why I'm so critical. That's why I never take chances, I never take leaps. I get like in the thing, I can monitor everybody's um emotions and if they're gonna be mad, how they're I can tell if you're mad by how you're walking. I can't literally do that, but in my brain, I'm like, oh, they're mad. You're too super aware. Yeah, you shut a cupboard too loud. I'm like, are we good? Yeah. Like, we're friends still, right? Like, I need like reassurance, you know.

SPEAKER_03 39:22

Thank you for listening to More Than Glitter, Voices Unheard. We hope you enjoyed this episode. If you haven't already, please follow and leave a five-star review. Tune in next week for part two of Planet AJ, where the journey into understanding, acceptance, and the beauty of being seen for who we truly are continues. Remember, everyone has a journey, the world never sees. Remember to be kind. If you or a loved one are experiencing substance abuse or an eating disorder, please reach out to your nearest treatment center. You are loved. Remember, we can edit all of this. We as in you. How did you grow up?

SPEAKER_02 40:10

Me too. I'm glad this is you and not anybody.

SPEAKER_01 40:17

They'd be like, Do you want to just call me back when you're ready? Like, no, I am ready, but I just don't know how to be ready.

SPEAKER_03 40:24

Well, because AJ's phone is dying, she's a fucking loser, and this podcast has ended.

SPEAKER_01 40:37

Let me charge it for like 30 minutes.